Why so Serious?

De redactie heeft een aantal internationaal bekende Meesteressen gevraagd om een gast-column te schrijven. Mistress Evilyne is de eerst in deze reeks. Ze is geboren in Frankrijk waar ze via een elitaire scholing opgeleid is tot “pastry chef”.  Uiteindelijk is ze in Londen terecht gekomen waar ze deel uit maakte van de lokale elite. In relaties was ze altijd de dominante persoon en uiteindelijk heeft ze het drukke leven van top chef vaarwel gezegd om zich volledig toe te leggen op haar carrière als professioneel Meesteres. Ze woonde in een Engelse chique buurt en is  wereldberoemd geworden toen haar buren naar de pers stapten om een halt toe te roepen aan de sm-praktijken in hun chique buurt. Hoewel haar buren haar weg gejaagd kregen bleef ze niet bij de pakken neer zitten en ging op een nieuwe nog betere locatie gewoon verder. Mistress Evilyne weet precies hoe het werkt en op haar eigen site gaat ze regelmatig fel tekeer, we zijn dan ook super trots dat ze voor TKW een column wilde schrijven.


If you are active on twitter, which I am sure that many of you are, you will no doubt notice regular spats, outcries, and general bitching from Mistresses, both Femdom and Findom based.

Tweets along the lines of “That’s not how you do it”, “Who do they think they are?” and “I’m the real deal, all the others are fakers” regularly appear all over the internet. Friendships are broken, animosity rears its ugly head, and lots of people get involved in bashing each other for having different opinions.

Not one to shy away from offering up My very biased opinion (see My blogs posts on BDSM and Ethics, Chlid Protection, & Abuse in Femdom to get an idea of just how perfectly happy I am to voice some pretty unpopular views), I am going to add My little grain of salt today.

First of all, let’s look at the problem at hand in a little more depth. The main issues that seem to appear on blogs and social media are the following:

  1. A Domme should NOT get naked
  2. A Domme should NOT have sex with Her subs
  3. Such and such a girl is doing Findom all wrong… THIS (whatever the lady in question’s style is) is the ONLY way to do Findom
  4. I don’t like the way some person (please notice that the person is question is very rarely confronted directly, more often being obliquely referred to namelessly for ‘those in the know’) does such and such and I am going to rant about for the next few hours/days/weeks (delete as appropriate)
  5. I’m fed up of how all these girls talk about sisterhood but don’t want to be My best friends
  6. How dare such and such (once again, not directly named) practice such and such kink! I don’t think those kinks should be allowed. It’s disgusting/not domination
  7. Fuck all those escorts with whips. Go back to escorting!
  8. Etc… etc… etc…


It never ends. I am sure you have seen or maybe even written your own variations on these themes. I know I have. When I started dominating professionally, about 4 years ago, I got really into it, did My research, learnt as much as I could, and took the whole thing FAR too seriously. No, really. I was so judgemental of other Ladies way of doing things, what practises they chose to do or not, the ones who showed their tits or pussies, allowed personal worship etc. I thought I knew it all. But really, who was I to judge others?


The big problem is this: many Dommes take what they do much too seriously. We are service providers. We provide fun kinky times and we provide wank fodder. Don’t get Me wrong. I ADORE what I do. I have so much fun being a Mistress, and it’s a job that really suits Me. But over the last four years, I have learnt a valuable lesson: Don’t take kink too seriously. It’s supposed to be fun!


How many Ladies have forgotten this? A lot. Let’s look at the problems with Femdom and Findom that could lead a Mistress to become entitled and self important, leading to her emotional (and sometimes professional) downfall.

Femdom is based on the fantasy of Women presiding over men, Gynarchy, Goddess worship etc. In order to succeed as a professional Mistress, you need to push one or all of these angles. Once the work starts coming in, you have to act the part in real life too. If you get involved in the scene, go to events etc, you do so in character as any public appearance is self promotion. You eventually end up living as your character more than you do as your original self. I am sure that there is a psychological term for this, but sadly I do not know it. The end result though, is that you sort of go down the road that some method actors do, and you lose yourself in your character and actually start to believe that all men should bow before you, that you are better than other people, or even that you are a super important person who will leave some kind of legacy in this world. Men fawning over you, telling you that you are a celebrity and a Goddess starts to get to your head.

Now Findom is pretty much the same thing but from a slightly different angle. The fantasy that drives it is based around the spoilt bratty Princess who always gets what she wants, and has a certain Lolita edge to her, where she teases and taunts, but never puts out, ruining men in the process. Once again, I am sure that you can see that if you follow the same principle as the one that I described above, this could lead to some pretty nasty and severe character changes.

Now for any of you reading this who might feel targeted by My writing, and I am certain that there will be some, I want to share a super duper important secret with you. So lean in and pay close attention. Are you ready? Here it comes!


You are not important, and nobody gives a fuck.

Ouch, that hurt didn’t it? But there it is, in plain English. The truth is, I am not important either. None of us are. So few people go down in history. Even Cynthia Paine (don’t know who she is? You’ve just proven My point) will be completely forgotten in a few decades. We do not run countries, we are not the harbingers of a revolution that will change the world, and we are most certainly not ‘Important’. You have tens of thousands of twitter followers? So do I. You have men promising you the world, putting themselves in chastity for you and generally worshipping you like a Goddess? So do I. However, you are just a little person, a speck on the surface of the earth, who will have pretty much zero impact on the future of the human race. And so am I. So stop believing your own hype Ladies, because that is exactly when everyone else stops believing it.

Now that I have made Myself clear on the fact that we are just normal people making a living out of male fantasy, let Me move back to the points that I brought up at the beginning of this piece. You remember? All the things we see Ladies bitching about on social media because they don’t like to see other people doing them? Let’s have a look at them one by one.


  • A Domme should NOT get naked

Bollocks. Do whatever you want, honey. If you feel like letting it all flow free, do it! Enjoy your body! You only get one youth, and if you love your nekkidity, then you are free to share it with others. As long as you are doing it because YOU want to do it, and not because you feel forced/obliged to, it’s all good in My books.

  • A Domme should NOT have sex with Her subs

Says who? (rhetorical question). If you fancy one of your boys, and want to make him into your sex slave or kinky sex partner, go right ahead! If you fucking love sex, and want to provide a service of sexy domination with penetration, do it! Your business, your body, your rules. There is no rule book for Femdom. There is no High Council of Femdom. And there is definitely no Academy of Femdom. So you go ahead and have a blast making money, and enjoying dick in your poonany. Just remember to stay safe.

  • Such and such a girl is doing Findom all wrong… THIS is the ONLY way to do Findom

Findom being such a recent trend, I don’t see how anyone can possibly consider themselves to be an authority on what goes and what doesn’t. I am all for old fashioned financial domination in the context of a D/s relationship, and I personally don’t see the point in modern Findom or even quite how it relates to Femdom, but I don’t go around bashing Findoms on twitter. If they want to make money that way and it works for them, good for them I wholeheartedly support Women earning a living on their own terms! But don’t you dare tell others what they can and can’t do.

  • I don’t like the way some person does such and such and I am going to rant about for the next few hours/days/weeks

Please don’t. Firstly, none of those men follow you because they want to read bitchy, sarky, negative comments about other women…. They follow you because they want online sexy time. Secondly, you are running a business and social media is your storefront. It makes you look incredibly unprofessional when you start ranting and raving about other professionals in the same business as you. Thirdly? Nobody cares (refer back to the bit about you being unimportant).

  • I’m fed up of how all these girls talk about sisterhood but don’t want to be My best friends

Sisterhood, which is talked about a LOT in the sex industry, is about women supporting womankind. It’s about not automatically considering all other women to be your enemies like we were brought up to do by the patriarchy. What Sisterhood does NOT stand for is automatically being best friends with every woman on earth. I can be supportive of Women’s rights and go out of My way to help women whom I don’t even know just because they are women, and still not talk to you because I don’t like you. And that’s ok. Life is not black and white. (50 shades, anyone? x-D )

  • How dare such and such practice such and such kink! I don’t think those kinks should be allowed.

Just because you don’t like a certain kink, or it revolts you, or even just irritates your sensibilities, this does not give you the right to judge others on their tastes. As long as practices are safe, sane and consensual, people can do whatever the hell they want. Don’t like it? Stop looking at it!

In France, there is a great saying. It goes like this: “Mind your own onions!”

  • Fuck all those escorts with whips. Go back to escorting!

And why exactly is it not ok for an escort to offer kinky domination services? I see women saying that they give men the wrong idea about Femdom, but here’s a tip: Horny men aren’t good at thinking, or reading website subtext that says “I don’t offer sexual services”, especially when they are on the website of someone who is technically a sex worker. Like it or not, if you are a Domme, you are a sex worker. So rather than getting angry at Women who offer a service that lots of men do want, just either ignore the emails from these men, or answer politely, saying that they might want to look elsewhere for the services that they are requesting (remember, you are running a business. Customer service quality is important. Don’t be rude!)

  • Etc… etc… etc…

Please refer to all of the above, because who the fuck are you to judge people? You have your way of doing things, other people have their way. If they succeed using their ways, good for them. If they don’t, tough. Maybe they’ll move on to something else. But the only person whom you are allowed to pass judgement on is yourself (unless someone is killing people, raping people etc… obvs! In which case, stop bitching and call the police.). So stop brewing up all that negative energy and feeling all self important and start to concentrate on running your business and having fun!

Which brings Me to My final point: F.U.N.

Femdom is not serious. It’s about kink, it’s about sex, and it’s supposed to be fun. If you’re not having fun, you’re doing it wrong. If you are getting all emotionally wound up, you are doing it wrong. If you are obsessing over the way others do things, you are doing it wrong. If you think there’s only one way of doing things, you are wrong. So loosen up, start enjoying yourself, and watch the dollars roll in. Because what do all those boys want more than anything else? They want to have kinky fun with someone who is genuinely having the time of their life.

1 Reactie op Why so Serious?

  1. Nice piece Mistress Evilyne, and needed to be said. As a male submissive in the femdom world it comes with the territory that one’s views are pretty much disregarded (which often has its own charm of course), but these self-styled histrionic divas are irritating to us all, and it’s refreshing to see such a pillar of the femdom community break ranks and state a few home truths.

    Nevertheless, I wonder if this article over trivialised the scene somewhat.

    “You are not important, and nobody gives a fuck.”

    In the broad scheme of things that is true of course, it’s true of all of us, unless you’re Nelson Mandela, or Hitler or Jesus, and even then in the longest timescales, you’ll be forgotten. But often the deed is greater than the man (or woman) and has repercussions that echo in eternity (as Russell Crowe would say). I know who Cynthia Payne was (which is just a matter of being old enough), but more importantly, I see the effect that her endeavours had on the scene and on society.

    Of course, pro dommes (fin and fem) are service providers, but that is true of doctors and priests as well, and it doesn’t seem to preclude them from greatness. The service pro dommes provide is valuable, both to the individual and indirectly to wider society. The moral and ethical climate evolves through a series of deeds, for better or for worse, and if we are to move in the direction of liberalism, tolerance, inclusion and diversity of gender, orientation and healthy pervery we all need someone to stand in the vanguard of the movement, and for those that do to be paid for it seems entirely reasonable.

    As such, there is surely such a thing as bringing the profession into disrepute. As service providers pro-dommes are also business people and their individual actions reflect on the industry in general. Punters should be able to expect honesty, integrity and a measure of decency. On a personal level, I find the whole ‘findom’ dynamic ethically and morally repugnant, but it is hard to deny that it is the only logical conclusion of a certain line of thought. Mistress Evilyne or Absolute (can’t recall which) has written of the importance of integrity, of not exploiting the vulnerable, of consent not being sufficient on its own, that it must be accompanied by being informed and rational for a reasonable definition of rational, and that dommes should decline business if not. Findom does seem often to fall short of these ideals.

    In the absence of any formal professional body, of barriers to entry, of professional assessment or anything else, it does seem legitimate for the industry, in general, to keep an eye on the individual for the benefit of everyone. Inevitably that will involve discussion, debate and sometimes dissent, it would just be nice to see it conducted in more constructive and less venomous style.

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